Learn to Laugh At Yourself
Me, laughing & smiling while thinking about all the dumb stuff I've did and will continue to do because life is just funny that way. All the while, I'm sweating like a whore in church, because Florida summers are brutal.
The world is such a dark place these days.
Whatever happened to reading the funnies in the Sunday newspaper? Remember when we posted photos online without Facetune and filters? Lè sigh...those were the good 'ol days weren't they? I'm so incredibly thankful to have never grown up with social media. My heart aches for the adolescents and teenagers who go through that scrutiny daily <insert The Black Eyed Peas song Where is the love here>. I'd say my generation definitely dodged that bullet, but no matter what generation you belong to, I think we all can recall some crazy embarrassing stories that at the time, made us feel like we could just crawl in a hole and die, but now we can look back and chuckle a bit. I'm so incredibly comfortable with myself, well 90% of the time, at least, (that other 10% I blame on PMS and when I get those crazy thoughts of comparing my life to someone else's in my head. Hey-we all have those moments, amiright?!), that I can't help but look back and literally LOL when thinking back about how awkward, insanely naive, and disgustingly insecure I was. But in all honesty, if we can't laugh at ourselves, then what is the point? Our world is a serious one. It's dangerous, it's terrifying, & unpredictable, so I wanted to shed some light in a world full of darkness and its ALL at my expense! Grab a glass of wine, a sparkling water, a cup of coffee, a shmoke and a pancake, and get ready because these 3 stories are something else!
Learn to laugh at yourself Anecdote Numero Uno: My Freshman year of high school, the word awkward doesn't even do it justice!
I over plucked my eyebrows, I had never been kissed, and I was the fattest cheerleader on the squad. Cheerleading was a big flippin deal to the students of Wayne Trace Jr./Sr. High school circa 2002. I mean, we worked our tails off, and came home with a National Championship from Orlando, Florida, and we won Grand Champions @ the same competition. We were the top dogs, not only in the state, but in the country. Our coach was tough, you were either in or you were out. She had a no nonsense attitude, and she always looked at me with a smirk on her face. Now I know that smirk subtext was "Gosh, bless your heart, Heather" Til this very day, why or how I made the squad still boggles my mind, but somehow I did. Every year we had a huge routine that both the junior high and high school cheerleaders did in front of the entire student body & the public at halftime of 1 of our biggest games of the year. The gymnasium is full, not an empty seat in the house, no one is getting snacks, and everyone is ready for one of the best cheer routine they've ever witnessed. We get into our places, and the butterflies are intense, the music turns on, and it's showtime! Now, I can't recall how the routine started, probably with the tumblers doing standing tucks and the best jumpers displaying their insane flexibility with their skinny legged toe touches, but ya girl here, was in the back, Jack! That coach said, "ok and you little girl, will just hide in the back until we're ready to transition." I knew I couldn't tumble well, and I knew my flexibility was below average, but I was a team player, & I was full of one liners that made the squad laugh every once in awhile, so I crouched my little chubby butt in the back until it was time to transition. I had to move from all the way to the back to the very front and had very little time to do it, so I was hustling. I'm almost to my position to help front spot for a mounting sequence, when all of sudden I trip and hit the floor-hard! So hard & so loud-that I heard the crowd go "OOOOOOO." For a split second, I just wanted to crawl into the locker room and never come out. But there was this little voice inside my head, saying "GET UP! Get thee fuck up, and finish this!" So I did. After it was over, I immediately walked into the bathroom, shed a few tears, and then walked out, and laughed it off because I couldn't show my peers I was embarrassed, while they snarkingly asked me if I was ok. I made a few jokes at my own expense, and went home and thought my world had ended. I was so embarrassed. For a 15 year old to experience that is pretty intense, if you ask me. I'm sure a cheer mom out there still has it on VHS, but I look back now and just laugh. It humbled me. It was an embarrassing moment that by the end of the year, everyone forgot about anyways, because high school is cruel and if you weren't popular, well then good luck navigating your way through the next four years of your life. Now with my dance & acting experience and the performances I've done as a professional, I can say I had my slice of humble pie early in the game, and boy, am I happy I did! I've witnessed professionals eat dirt and then go back stage and QUEEN out! It's not funny when you're going through it, but it sure is a helluva lot funnier now looking back at my lil chubby butt thinking I was the cat's PJs cheering my little heart out for the Wayne Trace Raiders. Slap stick comedy sorta became my thing in college, and luckily I started to get pretty good at it with the help of my acting professors. I live to play those goofy characters, and I have to be thankful for that dreadful experience, because without it, I'm not sure I'd be comfortable with being uncomfortable off stage, and especially on stage.
The braces, the over plucked eyebrows, the poor application of eyeliner, the list goes on and on....BLESSSSS !!!!!
Learn to laugh at yourself, Anecdote Numero Dos: At times, I like to think I'm the only Heather in the whole wide world, but then reality hits me, or something like this happens, and then I'm humbly reminded, I am not. In this case, I was the wrong Heather!
When I was 21, the summer before I moved to Tampa to finish up my Bachelor's degree @ USF, I worked 2 jobs. One of them was a serving job @ Mellow Mushroom in Panama City Beach, Florida. This still has got to be one of my favorite serving jobs ever. My bosses loved me, I loved them (a cool hip couple from Atlanta, just trying to make a mark in the world of pizza and appreciating all things hippy and dippy). Summer, the wife, was a hard ass, but she never busted my balls, and for that, I thank her. My guess was that she was a Taurus, and I thrive when working with other fellow earth signs, because we're the hardest workers of the zodiac sign. They also threw me a surprise going away party on my final shift before I moved to Tampa. I never get surprised like that, so they will always have a special place in my heart. At any rate, when I first started there, I remember receiving a text from one of the guys in the kitchen. Now, I don't recall giving my number to anyone, but I do recall everyone's phone number being available in a binder, in case we needed to call someone in for back up. The place got insane busy, so this was standard. The text simply said, "Hey Heather, its Craig, from Mellow, how are you?" As a newbie and a person who isn't so good with new faces & names, I just casually respond with my T9 fast thumbs, "Hey, I'm good, and you?" We both realize were not working that night and he wants to see if I wanted to hang out. In my mind, he's the cute one with manners that was really nice to me on my first day at the job, so I obliged and said sure, and gave him my address. Now, my roommate, John, at the time was there just chilling, and I wasn't a very sexually active 21 year old, therefore I just figured we would drink beer, smoke cigarettes, and talk about life and nerdy shtuff. As he is walking up the staircase of my condo, I realize that I have never seen this dude in my entire life. His face said the same, and then we exchange some very awkward hellos. As we get to talking and trying to figure out how this mix up was even possible, he told me that there was another Heather that worked at Mellow and he thought I was her. At this point, my room mate, John, is sitting at the computer listening and then starts bursting into a very loud belly laugh. I mean how? How does this happen?! I'm so embarrassed and you can tell he is too. We drink a beer together and then he jets. I close the door and look at my roommate and he is crying laughing and I'm like, well at least I got a free 6 pack out of this awkward situation. Til this day, that was my 1st &
last time I ever saw Craig. This was nearly 11 years ago, therefore I barely recall what he looks like! I was the wrong Heather and he was the wrong nice guy with manners. Let's just say, I went into work at Mellow 2 days afterwards, told Summer the story, and it had her in tears as well. At the time, I had pink hair, so from then on, everyone @ Mellow called me Pinky. They even put it in the computer, so that the all of my table's receipts said Pinky. Craig, actually quit a week later, & I really hope it wasn't due to his embarrassment and that he just found another job. I mean not every Heather can be "thee Heather."
Learn to laugh at yourself, Anecdote Numero Tres: Ever had a pretty insane breakup and then realize that you can have sex with anybody you want, because your single and ready to mingle?!
Well honey, at 26/27 I did exactly that! I was at my physical peak. No longer was I the chubby awkward teenager, I had a fit yet curvy body, some makeup skills, bomb ass Dolly Parton inspired hair, I was hella social, flirty af, and loved every minute of it. OOOWWWEEE those were the days! In fact, I'm glad my slut phase happened a little later in life, because at 21,22,23 I was still insecure and awkward. Not to say 26/27 didn't come with it's own insecurities, but I definitely knew what I had to offer when it came to my womanhood and I was owning it. Athletes were my thing. Football players, baseball players, if they played, I was gettin laid! Now, I literally gag at the very thought of dating one, but at that time, I didn't care, they were fine, I was fine, and we were two consenting adults. And for the record, I'm a pretty frank person (if you hadn't noticed by now), so if your into slut shaming, get easily offended, or all of the above, then STOP READING NOW (that goes for my family too, y'all may want to skip this story). #sorrymom #sorrydad #sorryjesus My birth control of choice is the Nuvaring. It's the best for me because it has a low dosage of hormones, you put it in after your period, and take it out a few days before you start, I love it, and it loves me. Now sometimes, men said that they could feel it, some said that they didn't, but either way all of them appreciated that I had it, and I appreciated them wearing a condom. When single, safe sex, is the best sex and there's no ifs ands or buts about it! So I go on this date with a guy that I've been talking to for a few weeks. We get to know each other at our date, and then we head back to my place, we’re doing the thing, when all of sudden, he stops, and looks at me like WTF is this?! So I asked him "is everything okay?", he pulls out, puts his fingers inside of me, pulls out my Nuvaring, and exclaims "What the hell is this?!" Shocked and unsure what to do, I said "my birth control, why did you just do that?!" While I'm in the middle of asking him this question he chucks it across the room, and proceeds to have sex with me! Now, 31 year old Heather would have judo chopped him in the throat, thrown his clothes out the damn window, and cussed him out while I watched his naked ass stumble down the stairs. 26 year old Heather, froze, and allowed him to finish. I lay there in sheer horror, what an asshole! He then proceeds to take a shower in my bathroom without my permission (dick move #3 of the evening). I fall asleep and the next morning I wake up with this douche bag next to me thinking, Oh hell nah, he's gotta GO! So I told him, he needs to leave. I couldn't find my birth control until 2 months later while I was cleaning. Mind you, the Nuvaring is clear, and about 1 1/2” in diameter. Thankfully I'm an actor and told my pharmacist that it fell out during an intense shit, and she believed me and gave me another one for free. Still appalled from the date from hell, I walk into work the next day, and after consulting a few other women, and getting reassurance that my feelings were hella valid, I text him, chewed him a new asshole, and told him to lose my number. I laugh at this story because of 2 reasons: What kind of man thought that taking something out of a woman's body is ok?! The fuckery is too much and he clearly needed more home training and some feminist life lessons. And 2: I sure know how to pick'em! WOW! UGH!!!! 27 YEAR OLD HEATHER I COULD JUST STRANGLE YOU!!!! My taste in men have changed for the better, thankfully. And although I am single AF right now, I no longer date athletes, and I tend to date other nerds like myself who love a good cheese board, and can quote episodes of Family Guy like it's a 2nd job.
PHYSICAL PEAK!
My hitta, Andy and I living our best single lives. This evening was one for the books! I will get this skinny again, I will get this skinny again, I will get this skinny again (P.S. the older I get the less I beat myself up about putting on weight, ergo, I will get this skinny again). Awww growth, I love myself.