Finding Your Tribe
I just turned 32 this past weekend, and all I really planned for my birthday was a day-drinking brunch sesh with my girls at one of my favorite spots in Tampa, The Hall on Franklin. About 2 hours into the brunch, I looked around the table full of ladies in leopard print get-up (per my request) and almost cried tears of joy & gratitude.
Every single person there at my party honestly means so much to me. Each individual and I have such an incredibly genuine friendship. How in the hell did I get so lucky? How in the world am I able to accrue such a bad ass tribe?! A round table full of ambitious, goal-oriented, independent women. Clearly, I am a girls, girl. I honestly believe that we, as women, are suppose to unite and lead the world. If anyone can multi-task and get shit done, it’s a woman! That part of this blog post is not up for discussion. Thanks to Queen Bey for reminding us- WHO RUNS THE WORLD? GIRLS!
I think the hardest part about finding your tribe and embracing your inner Girls Girl are the trust issues that we may or may not admit to having. It’s natural to be suspicious around people we don’t know. These are behaviors we all have- consciously or subconsciously. Based on my friendship highs and lows, I want to guide you on how to truly become a Girls Girl. If you have 1 person, who’s in your tribe then you’re winning. We’re talking quality, not quantity, people! And for my youngins reading this. It takes time. Just relax and go with the flow when creating meaningful relationships.
Heather, where do I find my tribe?
You can find your tribe anywhere! Literally. Whether it’s a conversation you just had in the ladies room with a random, someone from high school or college, someone you really bonded with at work, a mutual friend, a dance or exercise class, or a someone you just randomly met while getting your mail- the possibilities are endless and it’s truly amazing how many wonderful friendships are formed. It’s kismet! If you do not stay open, and curious, you will not be able to make those connections. It’s all within your mindset. If you are anything like me, you may be a natural pessimist who has to train yourself with quality pep talks & affirmations before going into a social scene. Intuitively my guard is always up, but however critical my anxiety level is, I’ve learned how to manage it, stay open and stay curious. When people meet me, they would have no idea how much I enjoy staying home and being alone. To the outside world, I seem like such a social butterfly, but contrary to their belief, it sometimes is a process in order for me to get out of the house. If that’s you, I get it, but if you want to find your tribe, you have to step out of your comfort zone, and be comfortable with being uncomfortable. So start the conversation, make the joke, & crack the egg. Believe me, if I can do it, you can too.
Heather, but once I find my tribe, then what?
Based off your initial bonding sesh, make plans and get some QT in there to create a real genuine friendship. Like every valuable thing, it takes time to create it, so be patient. Like any new relationship, you have to feel it out. If there are some red flags that you’ve experienced before, then you either need to let it go (that is if you don’t care enough to bring it up), or talk about it. Communicate! If there’s one thing we all could work on, it’s communication. If you are not digging something, speak up. Having direct conversations does not mean there is drama, it’s called being mature and having a conversation. I call a spade a spade. I do not shy away from uncomfortable conversations not nearly as much as I used to in my 20s. I also know that there’s a time and place for everything, so remember to think before you speak. Your creator made 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason…let that sink in...be a listener. That’s 1 of the reasons why my tribe is so great-they’re listeners. I can rant and get all the things off my chest and they sit back and listen, and vice versa. Having a true friend that rebuttals you or challenges you by offering a different perspective is the best friend to have. A real friend doesn’t allow weak thoughts and habits entertain their realm. A closed mind is a weak mind. If they offer a different perception, be receptive. You may or may not stick to your initial thought. The long and short of it; make plans, communicate, and listen.
Heather, I don’t have a lot of girlfriends, but I’m really close to my family, do they count?
Absolutely! Your tribe = your definition of whomever. I have a close friend from childhood who started a family early in life. Her 3 girls are her world, and while pitching this blog to my Instagram followers she said, “but I don’t have a lot of girlfriends, my family is my tribe, but I don’t mind it.” She created her own tribe, literally! Now that’s not me endorsing a lonely person should go out and procreate, yikes, No! What I mean by that is her life path is different. She found her life partner in her early 20s, got married, and made a beautiful family, therefore she found herself being the happiest when she’s with her family. Your tribe, your definition. It may not be my journey, but I respect it. The whole point of creating a tribe, is creating meaningful relationships, and to me, that doesn’t have a label. Blood or not, if you’re my people, I’m going to treat you like family, period.
I feel like my tribe and I are growing apart, what do I do?
Oh honey, that’s called life, and growth. Growth is not fun. It’s painful, and sometimes we lose people along the way. Take it from me, I’m used to constant growing pains, but such is life. Deal with it, do what makes you happy, do what feels right, and move on. You either can hash it out, and work on it, or you can let it go, either way its up to you. Sometimes people are around for seasons, and they leave for certain reasons. Don’t take it too personally, most likely it’s because they’re dealing with some demons and they don’t know how to properly respond and/or deal, and they chose you to be their punching bag. It sucks, but be strong enough to walk away and trust in yourself to know you’ll find a new member of your tribe when you least expect it.
Can male friends be a part of my tribe?
Absolutely! Anyone you feel comfortable with can join the tribe. I personally do not have a lot of straight male friends. Some of my girlfriends do. I don’t know what kind of magic repellent they put on their skin so that these dudes don’t try and get some tail, but hey, it works for them! That does not work for me. I can honestly say, I have 1 platonic straight male friend, the rest of my male friends, are gay. I am blessed with 2 strong beautiful (inside and out) gay husbands that have been in the Heather tribe for years. They are everything to me, and I love them dearly. I’m assuming that’s probably the same with my female friends who have straight male friends, they probably love each other dearly, but I am the last person to speak upon platonic relationships, because I simply have 1, and we catch up every 2-3 months or so.
How do I manage or teach my tribe?
This one is for my career minded individuals. Once you find your tribe, a.k.a. your staff, or your mentees, then what? If you don’t know by now, I have a lot of experiencing with managing and teaching a group of young girls and women. Thankfully, I’m so comfortable within this realm that I’ve found myself getting into female dominant careers, plus I’m a huge feminist, so sue me! I have found that the methods I’ve used when it comes to long lasting friendships are the same methods when it comes to managing and mentoring girls and women. You have to listen, stay consistent with your check-ins and boundaries, and remember that empathy will always heal. I’m an empath by nature. When you hurt, I hurt, when you cry, gosh dangit, chances are that I’m going to cry too! I think empaths are the real leaders of this world. We all have empathy, but some of us are just more courageous than others to show it, and thankfully the human female stem cells are the rulers of this superpower. #praisebe If you’re courageous enough to show it, then your already leading by example. Instead of saying “I told you so”, how about asking them what they would’ve done differently. If your tribe member is going through a loss or a tough time emotionally, instead of saying, “if you need anything, just ask,” try saying “What can I do to support?” (thank you Brene Brown, that one was life changing for me). It’s all in your approach. Instead of offering the help, just do it, chances are you already know what needs to be done or what would be helpful. If they’re running low on funds, don’t say that’s fine just pay me back, just pay it and leave it at that. Karma is real. Stop living this life thinking that you are constantly owed something. Nobody owes you anything. Just give, listen, and empathize. Your impact will be ripple effect, and when that ripple finally makes its way back to your pond, it’s one of the most moving and unforgettable feelings on this planet.